
A PAIR OF PANT S 

HARRY L NEWTON'S 

One-Act Comedy Sketches, 

Monologues and 
Dramatic Episodes 




; 




A Rose of Mexico 

A Pair Of Pants 

A Jack And His Queen 



A Drama 

Talking Act 

A Comedietta 



An Invitation To The Ball Comedy Sketch 

Chatter Monologue for Males 

Down In Paradise Alley Comedy Sketch 

Family Secrets Monologue 

Izzy's Vacation A Summer Episode 

Keep Your Eye On The Ball 

Comedy Sketch 

Meet My Wife A Comedy Drama 

The Spirit of Captain Kidd Comedy 

Two Girls And Him Comedy Sketch 

What Every Woman Thinks She Knows 
Suffragette Monologue 



"n^ 



M. WITMARK & SONS, 
Witmark Building 144-146 West 37th Street, New York 



A PAIR OF PANTS 

A RAPID-FIRE TALKING ACT. 

By 
HARRY L. NEWTON 



Copyright 1913 by M. MtiTMARK & SONS 
International Copyright Secured 



M. WITMARK Sc SONS 

Publishers 

Witmark Building, 144-146 W, 37th Street, New York 

CHICAGO SAN FRANCISCO LONDON PARIS 

Professional performing rights reserved 






A PAIR OF PANTS. 

Note. — The acting rights of this Act are expressly 
reserved by the Publishers, to whom Pro- 
fessionals who wish to use ti should apply. 
Amateur representation may be made with- 
out such application and without charge. 



©ao 34013 
I 



A PAIR OF PANTS 

CHARACTERS. 

Straight Man. 

Comedian. 

Scene. — A street in *'One" with practical doors 
in flat R. and L. Sign over door R., reading, "Ted- 
dy the Tailor." 

Characters — Straight Man and Comedian Cos- 
tumes ad lib. 

(At rise Straight enters from L. i E., Comedian 
enters from door, above which is the sign, ''Teddy 
the Tailor!') 

Straight — Say, you're the fellow I've been look- 
ing for. 

Comedian — Yes, and you're the fellow I want to 
see. 

Straight — I want my pants. 

Comedian — I want my three dollars. 

Straight — I haven't got three. I'm so short 
that a dwarf is a giant alongside of me. 

Comedian — Yes, and I'm so short that my sore 
corn gives me a toothache. 

Straight — Well, I want to know if my pants are 
ready. 



A PAIR OF PANTS 



Comedian — And I want to know if my three dol- 
lars are ready. 

Straight — Oh, forget your three! 

Comedian — Then forget your pants. 

Straight — Now, that's enough. Do you suppose 
I could ever forget my pants ? 

Comedian — You had better not. 

Straight (Angrily) — Are my pants ready? 

Comedian — I will go and see. (Goes to door R^) 

Straight (Follows him to door) — If you haven't 
got my pants ready I'll scold you plenty. You are 
a first-class specimen of the Tribe of Nothingness^ — 
and will never happen. Your father was a rag- 
picker, and you know it. Why, say, 1 bought some 
old clothes of your father twenty years ago. Un- 
derstand? Twenty years ago I bought some old 
clothes from your father. Get me? 

Comedian— Yes, I get you — and you're still 
wearing 'em. (Exits quickly through door.) 

Straight (Shakes fist at closed door) — Oh, I am, 
am I? Now let me tell you right here, you block- 
head — 

Comedian (Enters quickly from door L. Has 
a very small pair of pants over one arm, rolled up) 
— Say, I'd like three for these, please. (Holds up 
pants, hut not unrolled.) 

Straight (Turns to him) — Oh, there you are, 
are you ? 

Comedian — No. Here I am, am I. 

Straight — Are my pants ready ? 



A PAIR OF PANTS 



Comedian — Sure. {Unrolls trousers and holds 
them up.) 

Straight— Ready ? Why, man, they're not half 
ready. (Takes them and holds them up in front of 
him. They are about two feet long.) Those pants 
won't half fit me. 

CoMFpiAN — Yes, they will fit you. 

Straight — I say they won't fit me. 

Comedian — Didn't you say you was short? 

Straight — Yes, financially, but not physically. 

Comedian — Well, they'll be long enough before 
you get another pair. Do I get my three? 

Straight — You do — 

Comedian — Thanks — 

Straight — Not. 

Comedian {Takes piece of chalk from pocket and 
makes Hgure 3 on Straight's coat, then exits into 
door L.) 

Straight {Follows him to door, angrily) — You 
bring back my pants ! 

Comedian {Opening door, R.) — Which pants? 

Straight {Turning to Comedian) — Those pants. 

Comedian {Holding them up) — These pants? 

Straight — Yes, my pants. 

Comedian — You're too short for your pants. 
About three too short. {Marks with chalk a iigure 
on door and exits.) 

Straight {Rushing to door where Comedian 
^,ri/.s-)— Well, what do you think of that guy, any- 
way? {Raps on door three times.) Come out here, 
you ! ' 



A PAIR OF PANTS 



Comedian (Opening door L.) — Did you knock? 

Straight {Turns an^nVy)— Certainly. I knocked 
three times. 

Comedian — That's a dollar a knock. {Marks 3 
on side of door.) 

Straight {Coming to Comedian) — Say, there's 
no use getting angry with you. {Laughs.) Let me 
ask you something. Are you married? 

Comedian — Yes. 

Straight — Where is your wife ? 

Comedian {Marks figure 2 in front of 3 on side 
of door.) 

Straight {Laughs) — Twenty-three for her, eh? 
Whom did you marry? 

Comedian — A woman. 

Straight — Oh, I know that ! 

Comedian — ^What did you ask for, then? 

Straight — I heard you married "a. grass widow. 

Comedian — I did. I married a grass widow. 

Straight — Then do you know what that*makes 
you? 

Comedian — No. What does it make me? 

Straight — If you married a grass widow, then it 
makes you a lawn mower. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Comedian {Stands motionless and looks serious.) 

Straight — Isn't that funny? {Laughs heartily.) 

Comedian — It is for three dollars. I'd laugh at 
anything for three. 

Straight — Well, you don't get three. 

Comedian — Oh, very well ! I got my wife's life 
insured yesterday. 



A PAIR OF PANTS 



Straight — That so ? In what company ? 

Comedian — The Glens Falls. 

Straight — The Glens Falls ? Why, that's a fire 
insurance company! 

Comedian — I know it. I got inside information. 

Straight — Inside information about what? 

Comedian — About where she's going when she 
dies. 

Straight — You're a smart boy. 

Comedian — Yes, but do I get my three ? 

Straight — You do not. 

Comedian — Stingy, stingy! (Marks 3 on 
Straight's hat.) 

Straight — Pants are made for men. 

Comedian — And men for pants. 

Straight — But women — 

Comedian — Are not made for — Do I get my 
three ? 

Straight — A man pants for a woman, and a 
woman pants for a man. 

Comedian — Then in that case they are a pair of 
pants. 

Straight — But men are often mistaken in pants. 

Comedian — Such mistakes are breaches of prom- 
ise. 

Straight — Now there has been much discussion 
as to whether pants is singular or plural. What do 
you think ? 

Comedian — Well, when men wear pants they are 
plural. When they don't wear them it is singular. 

Straight — Very good. 



A PAIR OF PANTS 



Comedian — I'll take my three, please. Yes ? 

Straight — No. 

Comedian — Oh, very well! (Marks ''three" on 
Straight.) 

Straight — Say, do you know the Tall family? 

Comedian — Sure. They live next to the Short 
family. 

Straight — What, in that tall building? {Points.) 

Comedian — No; in that Short building. 

Straight — You mean that the Short family owns 
the tall building? 

Comedian — No. How could a short family own 
any kind of a building? 

Straight — You just said the Tall folks lived in 
the short building. 

Comedian — That's what they do. 

Straight — Oh, now I understand you ! The Tall 
family live in that short building, right next to the 
Short building. 

Comedian — Say, how can anybody live next door 
to themselves? 

Straight — They can't. 

Comedian — But you just said they did. 

Straight — No, I didn't. 

Comedian — Yes, you did. 

Straight — No, T didn't. Now you listen to me. 

Comedian — I have listened to you, and I'm still 
short three. 

Straight — Do you see that short building right 
next to the corner? {Points off R.) 

Comedian — Yes, that's the Tall building. 




A PAIR OF PANTS 



Straight — I said the short building. 
Comedian— Well, the short building is the Tall 

building. 

Straight— Say, how can a building be short and 

tall, too ? 

Comedian — Dead easy. 

Straight — It's impossible. 

Comedian— That short building is owned by the 
Tall family. That makes it both short and Tall. 
Now, slip me three. 

Straight — Not yet — 

Comedian — But soon. 

Straight— I v/ant a little further information re- 
garding those Tall and Short families. Both of the 
Tall and Short families have pretty girls in them, 
have they not ? 

Comedian — Yes. 

Straight — Well, do you know Lucy Tall? 

Comedian — The short girl ? 

Straight— No, the Tall girl, Lucy. 

Comedian— Oh, the big, lengthy Tall girl? 

Straight— No, no ; the short girl. 

Comedian— Say, quit it. A minute ago you asked 
me if I knew the Tall girl, and now you say you 
mean the short girl. V/hich do you mean, anyhow? 

Straight — I mean the Tall girl. 

Comedian — But you said the Short girl. 

Straight— Say, I'm getting short of breath talk- 
ing to you. 

Comedian— Yes, and I'm short three dollars yet. 

Straight — Never mind your three. This girl I 



10 

A PAIR OF PANTS 



mean is a short Tall girl. 

Comedian— And the one I mean is a tall Short 
girl. 

Straight — No, no; that's a Short girl you are 
thinking of. I know her. The one I mean is Lucy 
Tall. A little, short girl, see ? About so high. (Il- 
lustrates.) 

Comedian — Oh, the short Tall girl? 

Straight — That's what I said at first. What's 
become of Lucy Tall ? 

Comedian — Why, she's married. She married a 
man by the name of Long. 

Straight^ — How long? 

Comedian — Eh ? 

Straight — How long? 

Comedian — No, just plain Long. 

Straight — I understand, you blockhead. How 
long have Mr. and Mrs. Long been married ? 

Comedian — Oh, about so long. (Holds hands 
about two feet apart.) 

SONG FINALE. 



NOVEL ENTERTAINMENTS AND 
SKETCHES 

'THE EARTH CHILD." 
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. A Novel Pantomine Play for Children. 

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"CHATTERTON." 

A Dramatic Scene for 1 Male. 

This is the life story of Chatterton, the poet, who died 
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"THE BIRTH OF OLD GLORY." 

A Betsy Ross Sewing Party. 

This original dramatic sketch represents the nativity 
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M. WITMARK & SONS 
86 Witmark Bldg. New York 



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NEW MINSTREL MATERIAL 

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"BOYHOOD PRANKS." 

A ludicrous interlude or finale. Requires 10 char- 
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THE JUDGE AND THE MAJOR. 

for 2 comedians and a funny policeman, A sketch 

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the audience in spite of the interruptions of ea&h other. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

• - *'THE DOOLITTLE TWINS," 
Or 
THE PARSON'S VISIT, 
for 7 comedians and 1 "straight" character. A char- 
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M. WITMARK & SONS 
86 Witmarl: Bldg. New York 



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